I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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