Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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