Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
