nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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