It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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