Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
