I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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