Can i not drive my cunt home
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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