Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
