God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
