i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
