I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
