i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
