just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
