I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
