I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
