get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
