Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
