Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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