words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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