I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
