Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
