Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This is classic penis vs brain.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
