Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
