Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
