According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
