Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
