Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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