Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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