i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
