I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
