He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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