i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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