OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
