im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I think i got beer on your cat.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
