You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Randomize
