after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
