This is not my ceiling
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
