I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
