I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
