i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
