I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
