i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize