He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
