The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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