He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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