Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
