I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
