fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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