i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize