never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
