For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
