I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
