Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
