toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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