youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize