What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
