You're my little dorito
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
