turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
