Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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