I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
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