and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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