$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
