I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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