She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
