He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
