I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
