So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
